Is there really a set of etiquette rules in modern dining? We track down a good old-fashioned etiquette teacher to find out exactly how we should be behaving at the dinner table.
There is no denying that Christa Koch-Kessler, the founder of Class Act Asia’s only etiquette consultancy company, is a formidable figure who could whip even the most precocious teenager into shape. As she lists off dining dos and don'ts in her thick German accent, you can’t help but sit up straight and hope to god you haven’t got anything stuck between your teeth. So it is with trepidation that we put it to her that in our laid-back modern society, you don’t need to follow Emily Post to the last letter. But, she quite rightly points out, that as society has become more and more relaxed, a whole new set of rules, regulations and ways to cause offence have emerged and dining today is still a veritable minefield of faux pas from which only a good old-fashioned etiquette consultant can save us.
Most dinner invitations come over email. Is it ever ok to use smiley faces and kisses in your response?
It really depends how formal the invitation was and who sent it. People tend to immediately drop their manners in emails but as a rule, you should never reply to a formal email invitation from a business client or someone you don't know with kisses, smiley faces or slang language. It’s always better to err on the formal side, which doesn’t mean you can’t be friendly, it’s just people will respect you more for not initially being over familiar.
Once you’ve secured the invite (without adding kisses) the age-old dilemma is; what to wear?
Always go over-dressed rather than under-dressed. There is nothing worse than turning up to a function in jeans and a t-shirt when everyone else is in a ball gown. A lack of effort in your personal appearance basically says to your host that you don’t care.
What about mobile phones? Do you definitely have to turn them off over dinner?
[Koch-Kessler actually shivers in disgust]. I cannot understand why people think it is ok to place their mobile phone on the table and then procede to take calls. The only time it is acceptable is if you explain to the guests before dinner that you are expecting a very important call and may have to excuse yourself. Otherwise, if you answer a call in the middle of dinner, you are basically suggesting you’d rather be with someone else than with your dinner guests.
What about conversation? We live in a liberal society– surely it’s ok to talk about sex at the dinner table these days?
If you know your dining partners really well then taboo subjects such as sex might be ok but I really don’t think you should bring up politics or religion at a dinner table. People can get very passionate about these subjects and it can really effect the equilibrium of a dinner party. It’s better to avoid any subject that might cause an argument.
How about cultural differences? Is there anything we should watch out for?
The main rule is you should never forget where you are. If you’re in Asia, a different set of rules will apply to if you’re in Europe and you should be flexible enough to observe other people and follow suit.
What can you do to ensure you always get a second invite?
You should always thank your host, no matter how the evening panned out. It’s a tradition that so many forget in busy modern society but even if you are loaded down with work, there’s a rain storm and the telephone lines are down, it’s your duty to find a way to say thank you.
